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A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
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On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo... SPLAT! The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Man, you're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman..."
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So into a bar comes a prostitute. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door. "HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven't been paid!" Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute. She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros'ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money. The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves...
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A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.
After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restaurant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
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An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
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Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet...
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says:
Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).
Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."
Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully." Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."
She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! Cindy is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store". So, Cindy calls...
Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over".
Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell. Cindy welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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A traveller was riding along and he saw something in the distance. He didn't quite know what it was so when he got up there it was a naked man with his dick sticking straight up in the air, and the traveller said "What the heck are you doing man!?"
The man said, "I'm checking the time."
The traveller said, "Well what time is it?"
The man replied, "umm. . .9:30"
So the traveller kept riding and he saw something in the distance and he didn't quite know what it was but he thought he knew what it was. When he gets there, sure enough, another naked man is doing the same thing. The traveller says, "What the heck are you doing man?"
The man says, "I'm checking the time."
The traveller says "Well, what time is it?"
The man says, "umm. . . 10:00" and the traveller keeps riding along. Once again, he sees something in the distance and doesn't quite know what it is but he thinks he knows what it is. So when he gets there it's a naked man whacking off.
The traveller says "What the heck are you doing man!?!"
And the man says "I'm winding the clock!"
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The Best Comeback Line Ever:
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
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One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"
A woman complained to her Doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them in her husband's drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made love.
The next night she put two viagras in his coffee and that night the sex was ecstatic.
The next night she said "What the hell!" and dumped the whole bottle in his coffee.
Sometime later the Doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the Doctor asked how everyone was going, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked in the yard yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty."
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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
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A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet-dreams. Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell the truth.
The girl is quite awe-struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?"
"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
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John and Mary, both elderly residents in their 80's now live at a retirement home. The more time they spent together, the more friendly they got with each other and really began to enjoy each other's company. After about three weeks of getting to know each other, John said, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually any more, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"
Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so she agreed.
Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park by the lake and Mary would hold John's penis. One day John didn't show up at their regular meeting place. Mary became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore Mary spotted John sitting on a bench with another woman beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench, only to find the old man's penis in the other woman's hand.
This upset her very much and she yelled at John. "We've been together for two months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't!?"
A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied, "Parkinson's."
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A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"
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EuroEnglish
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": -- In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
The recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert. He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation.
The corporal smiled wisely and said, "You'll see."
The young man was puzzled. "Well, you've got more than a hundred men on this base and I don't see a single woman."
"You'll see," the corporal repeated.
That afternoon, three hundred camels were herded in the corral. At a signal, the men seemed to go wild. They leaped into the corral and began to screw the camels.
The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm. "I see what you mean, but I don't understand," he said. "There must be three hundred of those camels and only a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can't a man take his time?"
"What?" exclaimed the corporal, startled. "And get stuck with an ugly one?"
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A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank holding
a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl
behind the counter.
"We don't have any money," the girl says. "This is a
sperm bank."
"Never mind!" the guy shouts back, and demands that she
retrieve a container of sperm.
So the girl goes to the safe and returns with a container
to which the armed man says, "Now open it up and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm!" she cries.
"Don't argue. Just drink it," he says, waving the shotgun
at her.
The girl opens it up and gulps quickly. At that point, the
man puts down his shotgun and removes his ski mask to reveal
that it is the girl's husband.
"There," he says to her, "That wasn't so difficult, was it?"
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A little boy walks into his parents' bedroom while
they're having sex. The little boy asks his mother, "What
are you doing, Mommy?"
She replies, "Daddy is so fat, I'm bouncing all the air out
of him."
"I don't think that will do much good Mommy," the boy says.
"The lady next door will just blow him up again."
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Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The
first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a
different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."
"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"
"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she
rolled over and played dead."
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There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he was sun-tanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decided to do something about. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis which he leaves sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, "There is really no justice in the world."
The other little old lady says what do you mean by that? The first little old lady says,
"Look at that -
When I was 20 - I was curious about it.
When I was 30 - I enjoyed it.
When I was 40 - I asked for it.
When I was 50 - I paid for it.
When I was 60 - I prayed for it.
When I was 70 - I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80 - the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old take advantage of it.
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A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"
In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "He sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?"
"Why no, my son, whatever is on your mind?"
"About this celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin'it?"
"Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh, you understand!"
"Well would ya ever consider, you know doin'it?"
The nun thinks a while
"Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it."
"Well, what would dose conditions happen to be?"
"He'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and, well certainly he could have no children."
"Sista, today is your lucky day. I'm all three. Why do youse come on up here... I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."
The nun looks around... They are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her...at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling form ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh. She inquires,
"Why, my son, what is so humorous?"
The cabbie sneers,
"Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids."
And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, "Yeah, well, my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise.
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
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A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one
another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point,
even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for
their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the
man was finished making his point. Confident in the
strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull
it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?
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A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in
her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE
FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
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A man boards an aeroplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."
He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."
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An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. Youve had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him up here, now."
Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and then turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside! Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head, so hard that the bottle breaks. The gator opens his mouth and the man removes his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheers and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stands up again and makes another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush falls over the crowd. After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly speaks up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumped into bed to wait while his wife was getting herself ready. The wife came out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and said, "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabbed his clothes and rushed out of the house, screaming at the top of his lungs. He headed straight to his father's house. When he got there, his father said, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
The son said, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret. She's a virgin."
"Damn, Son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she's not good enough for her family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!"
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
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A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- 10 MILES."
Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon, he saw another sign which said: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - - 5 MILES."
Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough, there was a third: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- NEXT RIGHT."
His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot was a sombre, stone building with a sign on the door that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY."
He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by a nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," said the nun. He was led through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, "Please, knock on this door," and left.
The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed him: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He placed the money in this nun's tin cup. He ran eagerly down the hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
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What a Woman Says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
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I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after a hen, when my friend's wife came out to feed them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn! I hope I never get that hungry."
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A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy. While they were eating fish, the Jew was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics finally decided to try and convert the Jew to Christianity.
Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said, "Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic."
The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued steak wafted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!"
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