A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blonde with a black belt in karate.

What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter.

The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep. The man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight let's pretend that we are married."

The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"

The woman says "GOOD..... Get your own fucking blanket."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not? It worked for your ass, didn't it?"

An old couple are taking a trip down memory lane, and as such gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met. While sitting at a café the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this café, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes I remember it well dear.", replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, lets go back there and I'll give you one from behind again.", says the old man.

The couple pay their bill and leave the café. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see the old couple go at it. He gets up and follows them.

Sure enough, he sees the couple near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips. The little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old women at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends or his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!"

The two have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the couple. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that fifty years ago?" The pensioner replies "Son, fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) reponded,

Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Go get your mother."

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience and, as they are - THE - seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting......

"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

At age 85, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.

After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and or the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, hereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful. The octogenarian once again bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and, after a few more minutes, is close to sleep.

But, for the third time, there's a knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Again they ravish one another.

As they're basking in the afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you have enough energy to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, looking quite confused, turns to her and asks, "You mean I was here already?"

A man went to a doctor and said, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor paused and asked the man to drop his pants so he could check. Darned if the man's penis wasn't orange. The doctor told the man, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asked the man, "How are things going at work?"

The man responded that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor told him that this must be the cause of the stress. The man responded, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours. I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job, and the boss is a really great guy."

So, the doc figures this wasn't the reason. He asked the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy said, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."

The doc figured that this has got to be the reason for all of the man's stress. But the man said, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. Jeez, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc took a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquired, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The man replied, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark, and they were still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working!

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way, and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried what had happened to Sister Logical. Then, Sister Logical arrived.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could, and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

An elderly spinster called a lawyer's office to have a will prepared. The receptionist asked when she would like an appointment to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed, and he went to the spinster's home. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "I've lived a reclusive life, and people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a famous funeral! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer told his wife about the eccentric spinster's weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning and wait in the car." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"

A young man nervously approached the counter at the local drugstore.

"Excuse me, ma'am," he stammered, "May I speak to the pharmacist?"

"Son," the woman said, "I am the pharmacist. It's just my sister and me here. What can I do for you?"

"Ah, well, it's rather embarrassing."

"Young man, we've heard everything," she assured him. "Don't be nervous."

"Well, I've had this erection for three days, and I can't get rid of it. What can you give me for it?"

"Wait here. I'll be right back," she said, walking into the office. A few minutes later, she stepped back to the counter.

"My sister and I can give you ten percent of the business and $2000 cash."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not? It worked for your ass, didn't it?"

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young
woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist:
" I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible. "

Mr. Smith:
" What do you mean? "

Receptionist:
" Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife. "

Mr Smith:
" That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?

Receptionist:
" The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't fuck her. "

Two days before the set date of marriage, the father of the groom asked his son:

"Son, when the time comes , I suppose that you know what to do. Right?"

"Do what?" the son innocently asks.

Desperate, the father advises his son. "Ok, ok. Here's what I want you to do. Here's $200.... I want you to go right now and find yourself a prostitute who can teach you well. I don't want to see you again until you can do "it" with your hands tied behind your back!!!" And with that, he sent his son away.

After walking the red light district for several hours and not finding anyone to help him, the son unexpectedly bumps into his grandmother. Filled with curiosity, the grandmother asks: ".... what are you doing in this part of town?"

The obedient groom then promptly explained the whole story to his grandmother then the grandmother replied: "Tell you what, why don't you give me the $200 and I'll teach you the proper way to have sex."

When the son finally returned home, the father was all too eager to ask about the son's exploits hours before. And so the son explained:

"Well, I was walking down the street for several hours not finding the right one when I saw grandma and told her the story. Well, to make a long story short, she took me somewhere and taught me herself, so I gave her the 200 dollars."

"WHAT, YOU F@#$%D MY MOTHER?!!!" the father yelled.

And so the son answers: "Why? isn't that what you've been doing to mine?"

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns.

His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew. "They won't let me fart."

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job it was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read;

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that one hundred dollars, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was probably those thieving bastards at the post office."

Stupid Computer User

From an ex-field sales/support survivor:

I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.

Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.

Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It is still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]

Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost....

Early Retirement

To: All Company Employee
Subject: Early Retirement

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Signed: The Management

A poodle, a terrier, and a great Dane were all at the vet. The terrier asked the poodle, "What are you in for?"

The poodle said, "Well, every time I see a car I just want to chase it and one day I got a car in an accident and killed the driver. My owner thought it best to put me down."

All the dogs agreed it was a shame. The terrier said. "Every time I see the postman, I just want to bite him. The Post Office complained and my owners decided to put me down."

The great Dane said, "My owner just got out of the shower and was drying off her legs, and I decided to jump on and have my way with her." The poodle said, "She putting you down to?" The Dane said, "No, I'm getting my nails trimmed.

There were these three engineers, and electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civic engineer, and they were having a drink one day, and the conversation turned to theology, and they began discussing the attributes of God.

The electrical engineer said, "God is an electrical engineer, you know." The others disagreed, and asked him why he thought that. He said, "Easy. Just look at the human body. Why, the brain alone is a marvel. But the whole body is electrical. It is simple electricity that is moving from the synapses of the brain, firing millions of times a second, that make us what we are. And along the nerves electricity flows and our hand moves where we want it, and we walk and we talk. All of that is electricity, and if it weren't for electricity, there would be no life at all! God is an electrical engineer."

The mechanical engineer said, "No you're wrong. God is a mechanical engineer. Why just look at the hand... The articulation of the muscles of the hand itself is amazing. And the body, the skeletal structure, and the musculature... The human body is a work of art and an architectural miracle! God is definitely a mechanical engineer."

The civic engineer spoke up and said, "Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but you're both wrong." They were aghast, and they exchanged a look between them, hardly believing their ears at all. This guy was barely an engineer at all, so how could they take him seriously. He could see their scepticism, and he said. "I can prove it!"

"Oh yeah? How can you prove a ridiculous statement like that?" they asked.

He said, "Who else but a Civic Engineer would have thought to run plumbing through a recreational area?"

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

In the beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!.

There was a guy who walked into an ice cream store one day. The guy behind the counter asked the man what he was interested in and the man said chocolate ice cream please.

But the guy behind the counter says, "Sorry sir, we are out of chocolate ice cream."

The man very rudely says "Ho you are not, I know you have some."

The guy behind the counter says, "No sir, we don't!"

They argue back and forth for a while, then finally the guy behind the counter says, "Ok, if you don't believe me spell the VAN in vanilla."

So the man does.

"Then, spell the RASP in raspberry."

The man does.

"Then spell the fuck in chocolate."

The man says "There is no fuck in chocolate."

And the guy behind the counter says, "Thats what Ive been trying to tell you!"

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.

"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"