A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."
Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype
women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.
The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" |
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A brunette goes to see her doctor: "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the Doc.
"Well, if I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts."
"Tell me," said the Doctor, "Do you dye your hair?"
"Yes," she said "I'm really a blonde."
"I thought as much, you've broken your finger."
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A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
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Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arent deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No, Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and a half hour later they were run over by a train.
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The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong. The blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees. The blonde said: "No ma. I know about that stuff, I can fuck and suck with the best of them, but he says I can't cook.
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A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
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A blonde goes into a drug store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
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After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realises his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says,
"Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
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A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
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There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled,
"You dumbass, its blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
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A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A red head said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, W."
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There were three women who were at the gynaecologist having pre-natal check-ups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
"Whats the matter ?" asked the doc.
"We did it Doggy Style. Am I going to have puppies?"
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?"
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
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Husband: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
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A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: "Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!"
Blonde: "That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred."
Brunette: "My god! I had no idea he was that good."
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) "Oh, you mean with one guy."
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There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, and she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
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Q.) How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1.) Blow in her ear.
A2.) Buy her another beer.
Q.) How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
- Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q.) How does a blonde kill a fish?
- She drowns it.
Q.) A blond is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
- Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q.) How do you know a blond likes you?
- She screws you two nights in a row.
Q.) Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
- Because as soon as they're on their backs, their legs open.
Q.) Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
- They have to pull their own pants down.
Q.) What's the mating call of the blonde?
- "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q.) What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
- (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q.) What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1.)"All the blondes have gone home!"
A2.)Has that blonde gone yet?
A3.)When is that blond bitch going to leave?
Q.) How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
- Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q.) Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
- She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q.) What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
- It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q.) How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
- She opens the car door.
Q.) Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
- Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
A blond guy visits the family clinic, "I want to be castrated!", he demands cheerfully. "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed this procedure with your wife?"
"Yes. We both agree that this is best for us." Signing the proper forms, the patient is promptly castrated and released. On his way out the door, he runs into a friend, "Hey what's up?", he asks.
"I'm on my way to get a vasectomy."
"Oh shit!! - THATS what it's called....."
