I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.

I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.

And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.

My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,

Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, or don't scratch my behind.

I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.

I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,

To have these two boobs and to squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.

I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,

Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,

Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.

Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks,

Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.

I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!