When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made one at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
MATURITY
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
HANDWRITING
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large oops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
COMED
Lets say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
GOING OUT
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
WEDDINGS
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
SOCKS
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
EATING OUT
and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
DIRECTIONS
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men wil never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
RICHARD GERE
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
TOYS
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs, Car phones, Complicated juicers and blenders, Graphic equalizers, Small robots that serve cocktails on command, Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
PLANT
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
CAMERAS
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
GARAGES
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
MOVIES
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
JEWELRY
Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
SPORT ARENAS
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.
TIME
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
CONVERSATION
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mmhmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
FRIENDS
Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms has social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends

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A recent study found out which days men prefer to have Sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T". Examples of those days are:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED . . .
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. 5% said it was to get a glass of water, 12% said it was to go the toilet, and 83% said it was to go home.

THE PERFECT BREAKFAST:
You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English has male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reasons.

The best submissions:

Detective Novel -- female (f)., because you're not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up.

Swiss Army Knife -- male (m)., because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it's time just opening bottles.

Kidneys -- f., because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Penlight -- m., because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright.

Hammer -- m., because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around and is good for killing spiders.

Tire -- m., because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

Hot air balloon -- m., because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there's the hot air part.

Web page -- f., because it is always getting hit on.

Web page -- m., because you have to wait for it to reload.

Shoe -- m., because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

Copier -- f., because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

Magic 8 Ball -- m., because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question.

Ziploc bags -- m., because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Sponges -- f., because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Critic -- f. What, this needs to be explained?

Subway -- m., because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

Hourglass -- f., because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom

MEN & WOMEN
God made men and women to compliment each other and to do this he gave them unique traits.

WOMEN:
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

Women smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous.

Women are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. T They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.

Women fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right Schools and to get their family the right health care.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart -- they know that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.

They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.


MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff