Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Well.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a gentleman he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there, but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvellous dinner. Lobster even. Den we go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So, then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy Vey!...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Yetta:

"No... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

So Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about > 10 million Afghans!

All men are men!!

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo VCR and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested he profits, which continued to multiply, and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration... and finally married the one with the largest breasts.

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. His wife demands sexual pleasure, so they decide to ask the rabbi for advice.

The rabbi listens to their story and makes the following suggestion.

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love, have him wave a towel over you as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on a full blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm, and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly: "THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tiescore."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the guy refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he "over-does-it" and lets fly in bed. The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch.

Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."

This will warm your heart .... just when you lost faith in human kindness:

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Hudson, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift.

Dear Hudson Middle School,

God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away.

I am all alone now and it is nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night-stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine; and I said fuck you.

Life is good.

Sincerely,
Edna

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."

A nurse was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

The nurse then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

And of course, the best is saved for last. A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game (must have been a Notre Dame game), three men decided to badger the nuns, in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, I think I am going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there. The second guy spoke up and said, I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics living there...

The third guy spoke up and said, I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there...

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and calmly said, Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there.

1st guy: I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for
women.
2nd guy: What happened?
1st guy: I got my penis caught in the bottle.

A 5-year-old to his teacher and said that he had found a frog.

The teacher asked, "Is the frog alive or dead?"

The student replied, "Its dead."

The teacher asked, "How do you know for sure?"

The boy said. "I pissed in its ear."

Aghast, the teacher said, "You did what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said Pssst and it didnt move. So, it must be dead."

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade in America. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, "Give me liberty, or give me death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from this earth?'"

Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" and Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

A man was eating a meal at a restaurant. He checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE JEW"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. Most would be outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement... One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business...

And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back... But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement... We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty... And after all it is just a sign...

You may be asking what business would dare post such a sign?

Goldberg's Funeral Home.

It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.

The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

It was then little Johnny's turn and he said "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later, in the schoolyard, the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

Little Johnny blushed and said, "Nah, he's really an auditor for Arthur Andersen but I was just too embarrassed to say so."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".

A guy, his wife and his little kid are watching a football game on T.V. Some fans got pissed at the home team's ineffectiveness throughout the game and start yelling obscenities like "These bitches and assholes don't know how to play!"

The kid asks his father, "Daddy, what are bitches and assholes?"

The father thinks for a while and then replies, "Ladies and Gentlemen." The following day, the father and the mother are having sex and the father says to his wife, "Nice tits."

The wife replies, "Ohh, nice dick."

The little kid, curious, enters the room after they've finished and asks his dad, "Daddy, what are tits and dicks?"

The father thinks for a while and replies, "They are...coats and hats."

That afternoon, the family was preparing for a visit from some of their friends. The father was shaving when he cuts himself and says, "Ahh, shit!"

The little kid hears this and immediately asks his father, "What is shit?"

The father replies, "Shit...well, that is to shave."

The mother, meanwhile, is carving some turkey in the kitchen when she cuts herself and says, "Fuck!!" The kid turns his attention to her and asks, "Mommy, what is fuck?"

The mom thinks agonizingly in pain for a while and says, "Fuck...means...to carve turkeys."

The doorbell rings and the mother tells the little kid to introduce the people into the house. He opens the door and greets the people: "Welcome, bitches and assholes! Put your tits and dicks on the coathanger. My dad is shitting and my mom is fucking the turkey!!!"

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi.

He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old Rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candle?" The Rabbi says, "We send them to the candle maker, and every once in a while they send us a free candle.

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?" The Rabbi says, "We send them to the Matzoh ball bakery, and every once in a while they send us a free box of Matzoh balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?" The Rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golfs all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "I know. And can you believe my stupid husband is actually out there golfing?"

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, I am putting a Box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.

In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box? Bill thought for a while and said, I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again. Hillary was shocked, but said, Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, so why do you have all that money in the box?

Bill answered; Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.

California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes and knocks on the biker club door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep....my bike is parked over there", and points to a Harley-Davidson on the street.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any man under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I am shooting pool"

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,

"Nope....but I have been swung around by my nipples a few times."

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."