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A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown New York and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?" She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have: Fashion Barbie @ $15.95, Vacation Barbie @ $15.95, Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment, "Why is divorcee Barbie so much? She looks the same to me." The assistant answers, "Well, sir, divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's furniture, etc.
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A guy leaves for work, kisses his girlfriend on the cheek and says, "See you later!" With another kiss, he leaves. After a moderately satisfying day he returns to his flat, opens the door to be greeted by his girlfriend with three packed bags clustered around her.
"What the hell is going on here?" he said.
"I'm leaving you" she replied.
"I thought everything was fine between us this morning, what's happened?" he asked.
"I've heard that you're a paedophile!" she replied. To that the man said, "Well that's an awfully big word for an 11-year old!"
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Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with a beautiful lake guarding the green.
Moses tees up and smacks one right into the middle of the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it onto the green.
Jesus tees off next and hits his drive right into the lake also. He walks across the water, his ball floats up to the surface of the lake and he hits it onto the green.
Next up is the old geezer. He smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as it is going in, a fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and grabs the fish. As the pelican is flying over the green it is struck by a bolt of lightning, which causes it to drop the fish on the green where the ball rolls out of it's mouth and into the hole.
Jesus looks over at the old man and says
"Bloody hell, Dad, can't you play golf like everybody else?!"
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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear- shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
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An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
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A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death. "Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"
The man replied, "Do you suck?"
Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!"
And with that, the man let go of her.
"Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor. "Thank God!" she screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!"
The man asked, "Do you fuck?"
Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't fuck!"
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, "I suck! I fuck!"
"Slut," the man said, and dropped her.
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A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me a shot of that green shit you have over there."
The bartender said, "I don't know about that, sir, it's pretty strong."
The man replied, "Good, give me two shots. I just found out my older son's gay."
The bartender understood and gave the man two shots of the green shit.
The next night the same man walked into the bar and said, "Give me four shots of that green shit from last night."
The bartender said, "Are you sure about that?"
The man said, "Yes, I just found out that my younger son is gay."
The bartender understood and gave him four shots of the green shit.
Then the next night the man went back to the bar and said, "Give me eight shots of that green shit."
The bartender said, "I don't think I can do that."
The man said, "Please, I had a horrible day."
The bartender said, "Doesn't anyone in your family eat pussy?"
The man said, "Yeah, my wife."
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A 64-year-old accountant left a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read, "Dear wife, I am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read, "Dear husband, I too am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. Being an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 64 many more times than 64 goes into 18."
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A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a cop," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a fireman," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip across the ocean. The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all, but I'm gonna wear hot pink underwear before I get on that plane."
"Why?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Because, if that plane is gonna crash, and I'm out there laying butt-up in a corn field, they're going to see my ass."
The second lady said, "Well, I'm going to wear some fluorescent orange underwear."
"Why?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, "Because if this plane is going to crash and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, they're gonna see my ass."
The third old lady said, "Well, I'm not going to wear any underwear."
"What? No underwear!" the others said in disbelief.
"That's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any underwear," the third lady said, "because if this plane crashes, they're going to look for the black box first."
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, " My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, " I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead."
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A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police. So he left the Bank of America and after waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
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This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine
Diary... For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &@#$*~ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi bastard).
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal, a mammogram, a pelvic exam, or even a hysterectomy.
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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now
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While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says... "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that ruled their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and the men had formed two lines.
The line of the men that were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said... "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied..."I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
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An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?
"Ten boys."
"And their names?"
"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."
"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"
"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'" "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"
"Then I calls him by his last name."
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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck.
The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck.
The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
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Why I Fired My Secretary!
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...on the couch...naked.
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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."
Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
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A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section. The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.
"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."
Fidel Castro and his chauffeur were cruising along a country road in Las Villas one day when a pig ran out in front of their car. The chauffeur tried to avoid it, but couldn't, and the pig was killed.
The dictator ordered the driver to go to the farmhouse and explain to the pig's owners what had happened.
About an hour later the chauffeur staggered back to the jeep with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of rum in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Fidel.
"Well", the chauffeur replied, "the farmer gave me the rum, his wife gave me the cigar and their beautiful daughter made mad, passionate love to me."
"My God Man, what did you tell them?" asked Fidel.
The driver replied, "I am Fidel Castro's chauffeur and I just killed the pig."
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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife named Dorothy, so he called her Dot.
And Dot Com was broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, by many jealous females in the tribe of Com she came to be called the Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dosth thou travel afar from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving our tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between and they will send messages saying what you have for sale and then reply telling you which hath bid the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by your kinsmen at Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and the business was an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent but success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
Many of the young rabbis in the tribe of Com did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horseflies take to camel dung and made many richly rewarded offerings to the public. As a result, they came to be called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Semites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and so dazed by the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who had bought up every drum company in the land. Subsequently, they indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' patented and somewhat expensive drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or "eBay" as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." Dot replied, it is clear that we are "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
It wasn't Al Gore after all.
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A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day she .was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at the boyfriend, Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband's home early!
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! " It's raining like Hell out there!
She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
His reply: "Only if it's raining."
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It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775."
Very good! "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'" Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863. "
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about American history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.
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An old man walked into a confessional. The following conversation ensued:
Man: I am 92 years old, I have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?
Man : What sins?
Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man : I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man : I'm telling everybody.
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Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Seahawk's fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The 'Niners' fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Raider's fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Seahawk's cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the 'Niners' cap, replaced it and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Raider's cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Raider's fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something?"
"Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?
"Well,"said the officer. "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Raider's hat, I find an asshole...."
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