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The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly.
"This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The reverend realized she'd had too much to drink, so he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that kind of carrying on in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
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DOCTORS
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.
It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom.
She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes, how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense," says the woman.
"You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised.
"How did you know?"
"Because I didn't feel a thing."
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Three Viking fans and three Packer fans are travelling by train to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. At the station, the three Packer fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Viking fans buy only a single ticket between them.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks a Packer fan.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Viking fan. They all board the train.
The Packer fans take their respective seats but all three Viking fans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Packer fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
After visiting the Hall of Fame, the Packer fans decide to copy the Viking fans (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (not wanting to be out-done by a bunch of Purple People Eaters).
When the Packer fans get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Viking fans don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Packer fan. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Viking fan.
When they board the train the three Packer fans cram into a restroom and the three Viking fans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Viking fans leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Packer fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant.
He decides to call a local vet for advice. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what the vet means. Not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and will instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back home and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into his truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls into bed. Next morning, he can't even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are lying in the mud. "No" she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn!"
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A couple of Alabama hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing and his eyes rolled back in his head.
The other guy whipped out his cell phone and called 911.
He gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
....There was a silence, then a shot was heard.
The guy's came back on the line and said, "OK, now what?"
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Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
You ready for this??????
This is good........ (scroll down for answer)
Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find!
An elderly couple is vacationing in the Sun City West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
Upon arriving home, he walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."
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Subject: Republican Party Changing Emblem, and More Breaking News from the White House.
The GOP National Committee announced today that it is changing the Republican emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects the party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
And, furthermore, it was reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week there was a heated discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney and his angina problem. President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that "Men do not have anginas." The President was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has "acute angina."
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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from , son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"
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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."
"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."
"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."
"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."
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The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Extremist men of the Islamic faith cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman who is not their wife.
Tomorrow at 7:00pm, all women should run out of their houses, completely naked, in order to weed out the terrorists.
The United States appreciates your efforts.
God bless America!
P.S. candles are optional
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A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says.
'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.' The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup' The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
'What's up love?' he asks 'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off', she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and Switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically 'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"
"Well, Dave, I gotta tell Ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?"
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat."
So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one.
I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat. "So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave!!! She had a great BIG dick!!! And Dave, I CAN'T SWIM!!!
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?" Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks: "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
(Its dark.Get it?!!)
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Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My
name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a
WIFE."
Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"
She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
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A well-dressed man went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He was there sipping his drink when another man came up and said, "Is that you Pete?"
Pete said "My name is Pete, but I dont think I know you."
The second man said "Sure you do, its me, Martin. We used to work at the same factory together before it closed down."
Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good money when we were laid off. What happened?"
Martin said "I blew it all on cars, women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you, Pete. All the best clothes and I've seen your swell car outside. How did you do it?"
Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that. I bought a three-story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex-- just men and women. On the second floor homo sex-- you know, men screwing men, and on the third floor paedophile sex for those who like children. I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work-- just me, the wife, and the kids."
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A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
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CREATION OF MANKIND
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Gabriel, look what I've made."
Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people". God continued, pointing to different countries.
And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly.
And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot.
Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people
make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whisky which means "The Water of Life".
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.
Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said: "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!"
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Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy God Mother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years??"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, over overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for many a year, a long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.
The Fairy God Mother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a beautiful, and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up. When the transformation was complete a man stood before her. A man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close, and into her ear breathed, as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath: "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "I'm sorry, Losing a pet is really one of life's hard lessons."
"Yeah, it is," said Tim.
The neighbor continued, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your cat."
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WHERE DO PETS COME FROM?
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love you even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this
new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would
not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he
was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog
was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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An Indian named Brown Elk walked into the saloon. He was a giant of a man with a six-shooter tucked into his belt, so no one dared ask why he was carrying a pail of manure in one hand and a small cat in the other.
"I'll have a whiskey," he told the bartender, and after downing the shot, Brown Elk ordered another. Then another.
Finally, after his fourth drink, the Indian pulled out his revolver, fired several shots into the bucket, released the cat, then ran after it. When he caught it, he returned to the bar.
"E-excuse me," said the alarmed bartender, serving him a drink on the house, "but would you mind telling me what that was all about?"
"My father told me to try and be more like white man," he answered. "So, I came here to have a few drinks, shoot the shit, and chase a little pussy."
The Taliban TV Guide
MONDAYS
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Monday Night Stoning
9:30 Win Bin Laden's Money
10:00 Eye for an Eye Witness News
TUESDAYS
8:00 Wheel of Terror and Fortune
8:30 The Price is Right if Osama Says It's Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 My Mullah the Car
WEDNESDAYS
8:00 Beat The Press
8:30 Whose Jihad Is It Anyway?
9:00 Married With 139 Children
9:30 Just Shoot Everything
10:00 Veil Watch
THURSDAYS
8:00 Osama and Grace
8:30 Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 Sponge Bob Square Turban
10:00 My Favorite Martyr
FRIDAYS
8:00 Judge Omar
8:30 TeleTalibans
9:00 Captured Taliban Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
9:30 Cave and Garden Television
10:00 Allah McBeal
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Hubby Abuse
A man left work one Friday afternoon, but being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped her nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
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War on Terrorism
I got this from someone at work. I am not quite sure it would improve our relations with any Muslim countries but it may explain Mexican buses:
Apparently the Islamic belief is that if ones' body is buried with a pig (because they are considered unclean) their soul will go to hell. This got me thinking. If we put a baby pig on every airline flight then all suicide terrorists would abort their missions as they would not want their souls to go to hell.
Additionally, if we drop, oh say, 100,000 pigs into Afghanistan I think our recon and assault efforts may be more successful. Apparently Muslims dislikes the very sight of pigs A LOT!
They are also adamantly opposed to alcohol, thus we could spike their water supply with a few thousands gallons of booze, get them shit-faced and turn the pigs loose. The war would be over in a weekend.
Just a thought.
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A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the lawyer's name.
One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."
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G.W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, " No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse".
The second barber turned to Bush and said "how about you?" Bush replied "Go ahead, my wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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