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A travelling salesman is walking down a country road when he comes across a farmer standing next to a pig with a wooden leg. The salesman approaches the farmer.
"Howdy," says the salesman.
"Howdy," says the farmer.
"That's quite a pig you got there. How did he get a wooden leg", the salesman asked?
"Well, I'll tell you...it was the most amazin' thing I ever seen!", starts the farmer. "One night our barn caught on fire and that there pig started squealin' up such a fuss that it woke everyone in the house up! And by the time we got to the barn, he had herded all the animals to safety!"
"Wow!" says the salesman. "That is remarkable! So that's how he got the wooden leg?"
"Oh no," says the farmer. "Came out of that just fine, just fine, not even a scratch!"
"Oh," says the salesman. "So how DID he get a wooden leg?"
"Well, I'll tell ya...it was the most amazin' thing I ever seen!" starts the farmer. "One day I was ridin' my tractor and plowin' my fields, when the tractor tipped over and I fell into a ditch! Well, sir, that there pig run in there and drug me out before I drowned!"
"Incredible!" states the salesman. "So THAT'S how he got the wooden leg."
"Oh no," says the farmer. "He came out of that just fine, just fine, not even a scratch!"
By this time the salesman is getting a little exasperated with the farmer.
"So...how DID the pig get the wooden leg?!" the salesman demanded.
"Well, I'll tell ya....it was the most amazin' thing I ever seen!" starts the farmer. "One day I was out walkin' through the woods and mindin' my own business when a great big grizzly bear come trudgin' by to attack me! And that there pig squealed so loudly that it frightened the bear and he ran away!"
"Astonishing!" gasped the salesman. "So this is how he got the wooden leg."
"Oh no," says the farmer. "He came out of that just fine, just fine, not even a scratch!"
By this time the salesman is getting quite irate.
"Look, sir, from what you have told me this pig is something short of miraculous! He's been through fire, water, and a bear attack without so much as a SCRATCH?! How on EARTH did the pig get a wooden leg?!"
Well, the farmer kind of grinned and leaned toward the salesman with a nudge and said, "Well, a pig like that you don't want to eat all at once!"
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A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's penis, and angrily tosses it out the window.
Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy, what in the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "it was only a bug honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face and after a minute says, "Sure had a big dick!"
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving for another ranch to check on the possibility of buying a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word 'Comfortable'."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow." ("com-for-da-bull")
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Survivor - Texas Style
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style.
The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville.
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!
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Read the following six statements and the amazing conclusion they lead to:
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers and professionals is golf.
The amazing conclusion is the higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
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A mother and a child were walking down the street and they see a used condom on the ground. The little boy asks "What's that Mummy?" The mother hesitantly replied "That's a biscuit."
Half an hour later, when they got home, the child said "Mummy, I feel sick."
The mother said "You didn't eat that biscuit did you?"
"No, I ate the cream in the middle!"
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Tom, Dick and Harry were in the bar enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the bar a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
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There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied
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First Divorce Resulting From Sept 11 Attack
This was taken from an actual article in a New York paper about the first divorce directly resulting from the Sept 11th attack on the World Trade Centre.
The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York.
It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment with his cell phone turned off. He wasn't watching TV either.
When he turned his cell phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife who said, "Are you OK? Where are you?".
He said, "What do mean? I'm in my office of course!"
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A real ad placed in the Canberra (Australia) Times ...
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
( But please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.)
In heaven,
-The cooks are French
-The police are English
-The mechanics are German
-The lovers are Italian
And the whole place is run by the Swiss.
In hell,
-The cooks are English
-The police are German
-The mechanics are French
-The lovers are Swiss
And the whole place is run by the Italians!
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it?
A Death! Whats that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when youre too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until youre young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating in a sea of relaxation.and you finish off as an orgasm.
Now thats life!
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Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of telling her characteristically that it is not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches the piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. How long will this take?, she asks.
Theyll grow larger over a period of years, he replies.
The wife stops. Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?
Worked for your butt, didnt it?
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again some day.....
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The Madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, well past middle-age gentleman. Can I help you?
The madam asked. I want to see Natalie, the old man replied. Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else... No, No. I must see Natalie. Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that; there were no discounts... it was still $1,000 a visit.
Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man, No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?
The old man replied, Im from Philadelphia. Really? replied Natalie, I have a family who lives there. Yes, I know, said the old man. Your father died, and Im your sisters attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.
MORAL: Some things in life are certain: taxes, death, and being screwed by a lawyer.
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Mr. Jones is travelling with his wife and mother-in-law in a Far East country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them is to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesnt want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Jones is first.
What do you wish for yourself?
I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.
Okay, that shall be granted to you.
Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mr. Jones mother-in-laws turn.
What do you wish for yourself?
I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.
Okay, that shall be granted to you.
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mr. Jones himself.
What do you wish for yourself?
I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfil them for me?
Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfil your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.
I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?
I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.
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GOD looked down on earth one day and is concerned about what He sees. He calls St. Francis and the following conversation occurs.
GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: Its the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But its so boring. Its not colorful. It doesnt attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. Its temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You arent going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. Its a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST.
FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I dont want to think about this anymore. Catherine, youre in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. Its a really stupid movie about.....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from Francis.
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.
The third surgeon says, No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in, You know, I like construction workers,those guys always understand when the job takes longer and costs more than you said it would.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, Youre all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. Theres no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable.
An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off. "
"You cant raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just wont tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898."
"Didnt anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
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A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly "hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isnt quite ready for nite-nite yet."
The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned.
"Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for two hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."
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I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil headed redneck.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didnt care. My car was parked around the corner.......
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A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "Its a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the presidents office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Maam, Im surprised youre carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, Ill bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "Thats a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square! "
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness? "
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the presidents office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: $25,000 says the presidents balls are square! The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay, said the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hecks the matter with your lawyer?"
"Nothing, " she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this banks balls in my hand! "
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It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died. "
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldnt find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died. "
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me! "
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator.... "
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A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped.
The new guy, not keen on this, asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and selects that room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now you've been relieved."
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit Im talking about. Okay, first: its round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."
The teacher replied, "No Deborah, its a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. Its soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish. "
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, Im afraid its a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: its long, yellow, and fairly hard.
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "its a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: its round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "Thats disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "its a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
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A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well thats a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think youve ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "Thats really good. Im really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what its like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said goats!"
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Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees The President Must Go written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staffs HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Bill hollers "Well dammit, dont just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gores urine."
Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, whats the really bad news?
The officer replies "Well sir, its Hilary's handwriting."
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie says that hed love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up.
At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says.
"I AM GOD. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them. BUT ... first you must have sex with me."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church.
The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha Im the bus driver!!"
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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word beautiful in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, fucking beautiful!"
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Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didnt take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriends unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed.
So what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didnt grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"
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I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in that area in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, havent we?," but I didnt respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, wheres my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
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Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasnt my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats when she hit me!"
Johnny, the father said. "You dont do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnnys father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasnt my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesnt like this, so I pushed it back in!"
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A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapists office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "Theres nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, were not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid."
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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash"
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"
Oh my gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them" she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit!!"
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