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A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
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A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says "Guys, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, in a very heavy French accent, "I take ze sword." When the chief gives him a sword the Frenchman takes it, exclaims "Vive la France," and runs himself through.
The Englishman is next. He looks the chief in the eye and says " a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him the pistol. The Englishman cocks the gun, points it at his head, yells "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The chief turns to the New Yorker. "Gimme a fork" the man says, with complete disdain. The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives the man a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his body-the stomach, the sides, the chest, his arms, his legs, everywhere. Blood is gushing out of what seems like every inch of his body. It is horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks "My God almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks up at him from the ever expanding pool of blood and says "So much for your canoe, you stupid bastard!"
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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back.
I'll take care of the child's expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
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A Native American boy with a puzzled look on his face, asked his mother, "Why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm," explained the boy's mother.
"Okay, but why is my sister's name Cornflower?"
"Well, your father and I were in a corn field when we made your sister," she explained.
"Okay, but why is my other sister named Moonchild?"
"We were watching the moon landing, when we made your sister," she answered. Then, she asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
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Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leaned over to the other and said, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispered, "It's the cobblestones."
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One night a guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment. Before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute. I think I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
"Give me some examples," the guy replied.
"Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock and opens the door hard, then he is a rough lover, and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then he is inexperienced, and that isn't for me either." Then she said, coyly, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
"Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
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Ten-year-old Elizabeth was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?"
Her Mommy, using a well-worn phrase, said "God sent you."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?"
"Yes, Dear, He did."
"And Grandma and Great Grandma and Daddy, too?"
Again the answer was "yes."
Elizabeth shook her head in disbelief. "Then, you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone is so cranky!"
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A man and a woman rode next to each other in first class. The man sneezed, pulled out his willy and wiped the tip off. The woman could not believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating.
A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his willy and wiped the tip off. The woman was about to go nuts. She could not believe that such a rude person existed.
A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his willy out and wiped the tip off. The woman had finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replied, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then said, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looked at her and said, "Pepper."
One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
The dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hello! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store.
He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender said "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!"
The man left.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash.
The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it" The bartender said " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"
The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"
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Our good buddy Bill Clinton was assigned a new intern named Sally. Being the polite gentleman he is, Bill went to visit Sally and ask her if she needed any questions answered. She said no, so Bill asked, "Have you seen the presidential clock yet?"
Sally replied, "I haven't even heard of the presidential clock."
Bill then replied, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you."
Sally was a little taken aback, and she stated, "With all the problems you've had lately, I don't think we should."
Then Bill said, "Ahh, it's just a clock and I promise I won't try anything."
Sally then agrees to go with him.
Bill leads her to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them and then drops his pants to the floor. Sally is flabbergasted and says,
"Mr. President, that is the presidential cock, not the presidential clock."
Bill looks at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."
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There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of prostitutes in London?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow.
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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.
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The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"
A farmer had hens, but no rooster, and he wanted chicks. So, he went down the road to the next farmer and asked if he had a rooster.
The other farmer said, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well, Randy the rooster was a lot of money, but the farmer decided he was worth it. So, he bought Randy. The farmer took Randy home and set him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money, so I need you to do a good job.
So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed towards the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nailed every hen THREE or FOUR times, and the farmer was shocked.
Randy ran out of the hen house and saw a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy was up in the pigpen. He was in with the cows. Randy was jumping on every animal the farmer owned.
The farmer was distraught, worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer went to bed and woke up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards were circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shook his head and said, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you have done to yourself."
Randy opened one eye, and looked towards the buzzards flying overhead and said, "Shhh. They're getting closer...."
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John is in a hotel lobby to question the clerk. He accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, his elbow bumping her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
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A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and hadn't been seen for five days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to check on them. The
husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers.
The old man asks, "Are you young folks all right?"
"Yes, we're fine," the man answered. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I kinda figured that. Say...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
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There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
- "Hello?"
- "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
- "Yes."
- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
- "What's the price?"
- "Only $1,500.00"
- "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
- "What price did he quote you?"
- "Only $60,000..."
- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
- "Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
- "What?"
- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
- "How much are they asking?"
- "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
- "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
- "Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
- "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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A Frenchman, an Italian and an American were sitting in a bar discussing sex.
"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.
"She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."
The Italian said: "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once." he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" he asked.
"Don't stop."
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Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed
that had to be a very exciting time.
The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that
erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused. The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"
The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
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HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately.
We went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny. I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something I did or something else. I ask him, and he says no its not me. But you know I'm
not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me.
I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to talk about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly I say I'm going to go to sleep.
Then, after about 20 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.
I dunno, I just don't know, what he's thinking anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS STORY:
Shitty day at work. Tired. Got laid though!
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One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.
Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there". The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Heard from a friend while waiting for the teacher to come to class.
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
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Do you know what a rodeo fuck is?
Your wife/girlfriend gets on all fours. You mount up, making sure you have a good grip. Then you say, "Honey, you're the worst piece of ass I ever had!"
Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.
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One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor".
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at Walgreens Drug Store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And, it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks...
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try, he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant ...with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And, if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better........
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Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"
The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. "
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"
The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, how did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."
The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"
The other guy says, "So.... she bit my cock, shit on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?
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An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex "
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"
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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much.
One day while walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them.
The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were gorgeous females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was pretty surprised at the simplicity Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe this and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were gorgeous females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!"
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There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain.
The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"
The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia.
After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
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Wife Version 1.0
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Colin.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Colin,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wi fe 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGISE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck. Tech Support.
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