|
There was this guy with leprosy who loved cold draft beer. But, everytime he would go into a bar, he would be thrown out because of his awful appearance and open sores all over his body. He was persistent though and one day walked into a new place and sat down at the bar. Everyone was looking at him and he was waiting for them to throw him out. Soon, the bartender walked over and asked what he would like to drink.
"A nice cold draft!", replied the leper. The bartender filled the mug and as soon as he set it in front of the leper, he ducked in the back room and became sick and puked. The leper knew it was because of his appearance and was certain he would be thrown out. But the bartender soon returned and continued with his work. Soon the mug was empty, so the leper signalled the barkeep. The bartender brought him another beer and immediately ran into the back room again and puked. The leper was certain he would be thrown out now but the bartender soon returned and went about his business. The leper was enjoying the beer and couldn't believe he hadn't been shown the door.
"Might as well enjoy it while it lasts!", he thought to himself. He motioned for the bartender again and the bartender soon brought him another beer and again ran to the back room and puked. This time when the barkeep returned, the leper motioned for him and said,
"You know, I just want to thank you for being so kind to me. Most places I go into, I usually don't even get to sit down, let alone have a drink. But you've been very nice to me by allowing me to enjoy a few beers, even though I do make you sick everytime."
The bartender replied, "Well, it's not you that's making me sick! It's that guy next to you that keeps dipping his cracker in your arm!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note.... Romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
My Dearest,
I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All My Love
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.
When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.
After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.
He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.
Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.
The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.
The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.
The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says...
"Tag, you're it".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was enjoying a drink at the bar when an exceptionally gorgeous young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said,
"Paint my house."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this quiet, conservative man who happened to own a parrot. Unfortunately for the man, this parrot swore like a sailor. He would swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. This bird's foul mouth was driving the man crazy. One day, it just got to be too much. The guy grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard, and yelled "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he would start swearing even more. The guy finally got fed up and said, "OK for you" and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This only aggravated the parrot who continued to claw and scratch the cabinet while he cursed even louder than before with a stream of swearing that would make a sailor blush. At that point the guy became so mad that he threw the parrot into the freezer! For the first few seconds the bird started swearing at words at the top of his lungs He kicked and clawed and thrashed all about the place. Then it suddenly became VERY quiet. At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed on the man's outstretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about all the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot. Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance!
As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it.
But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
A manager is in a pickle. He was told he must lay off one person from his staff. Jack Butler and Helen Doyle are the lowest seniority people and have the least experience, but they are so equal in performance, attendance, and potential, that he can't choose. So he decides to watch them both, and the first one to take a break will be the one to be laid off.
After three hours, Helen gets up, goes to the water cooler, takes an aspirin out of her purse and swallows it with water. The boss walks over to her and says, "I have a very difficult decision to make - I have to lay you or Jack off". She replies, "Well, you'd better jack off then, because I have a headache."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there." "$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait until you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?" "$500." "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints-twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to the grocery store and carefully selects a pound of bacon, a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and a carton of eggs, then gets in line at the checkout counter.
As she takes the items from her cart and loads them on the conveyor, she notices the man behind her is watching her.
As she puts the last item on the belt, the man says to her " I bet you're single"
She says "That's amazing, I am single, how did you know that?"
He replies "Because you are fucking ugly"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So you think your life is bad.
Just think how bad the life of the egg is...
You only get laid once!
You only get eaten once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother. (Now don't you feel better)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself at the gates of heaven, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?"
St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels really good about the result. On her way home she stops at a news-stand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" About 35 was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47."
She's starting to feel real good about herself. While standing at the bus stop she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your fanny for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the woman thought what the hell and let him slip his hand down her pants. Ten minutes later the old man says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That was brilliant! How the hell did you do that?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure.
When the results of the French study were released, Newfoundland decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Newfie's study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And . . .
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you'll like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her night-gown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."
The man went home and lay down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.
"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.
"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.
His wife asked him, "What is it then?"
He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job. He finally walked into an adult store. "Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner.
The owner smiled and responded, "You come as if you have been sent from heaven. I just opened another store and I'm looking for someone to mind this store for me."
"When do I start?" the guy asked.
"Now. I'm leaving for the other store shortly." The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.
First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars," he said.
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"Give me the . . . uh, black one. I've never had a black one before." She paid and left.
Soon an African-American woman walked in. She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the black dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the white dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one. I've never had a white one before." She paid and left.
Then a blonde woman walked in. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?" she asked.
"Forty dollars."
"How much for the black dildo?"
"Forty dollars."
"And how much for the chequered one on your counter there?"
"Two hundred dollars."
"Give me . . . uh, the chequered one. I've never had a chequered one before." She paid and left.
Closing time came around and the owner returned. "How was your first day?"
"Great!" the guy responded. "I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each, and I sold your thermos for two hundred."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy who dies and finds himself in Hell. However, hell was nothing like he had expected. It was a huge bar, swarming with beautiful blondes. And behind the main bar were dozens of liquor bottles, with labels of the finest liquors known to man. So the guy moseys up to the bar, intending to partake of the booze and the women. "I'll have a shot of your finest bourbon," he told the bartender.
"See all those bottles?" asked the bartender. "They all have holes in the bottom."
"That's too bad," said the guy. "But at least there's still the women."
"Yep," replied the barkeep, "but they don't."
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis had died. She realized that he was old and forgetful and decided to humor him, "It did? I'm sorry to hear that", she replied. Two days later Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing home with his penis hanging outside of his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith! I thought you said your penis died!?" "It did", he replied, "Today's the viewing!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four nuns are waiting to get to heaven. The first nun approaches the gate and God asks her if she has anything to declare, she says "Yes, I once saw a mans penis." God says "Go wash your eyes in the Holy Fountain and enter the gates of Heaven. The second nun approaches, and God asks if she has anything to declare, and the nun says "Yes I once touched a mans penis." God says "Go wash your hands in the Holy Fountain and enter the gates the heaven." The third and fourth nun start arguing, and when God asks what's wrong, the third nun says, "I want to gargle in the Holy Fountain first before she sticks her ass in it."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!". The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!". So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor. "Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friends says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out." .The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?" ,the other friends replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A ventriloquist who retired from show business decided to try the rural life, so he went to inspect a farm that was for sale. The farmer was taking him around, and the ventriloquist, who loved practical jokes, couldn't resist playing a little prank. As they walked through the barnyard, a cow standing by the fence suddenly spoke - or seemed to.
"Your hands are awfully cold when you milk me in the morning," the cow said. The farmer gave the cow a startled look.
Then a passing chicken complained, "I wish you'd collect the eggs
sooner."
The farmer seemed a bit stricken. The ventriloquist didn't say a word, and they continued walking on. As they approached some sheep, the farmer said, "Don't believe anything these sheep say. They're terrible liars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs wide spread. One man says: "Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!" the other says: "Oh no, it isn't hair, it is dark panties!"
Then they made a bet - $100 . A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them. He did so, but takes all the money and walks away.
"What happened, why are you taking the money?!" Asked the waiter. He replies: "Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..."
The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff." The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toilet paper."
Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff.
Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?" "Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man driving down the street looking for a place to stop so he could go to the bathroom. He stopped at a bar and went inside. "Bartender! Where is the bathroom, I really need to go?!" he asked. The bartender pointed him to the bathroom. So the man went to the bathroom and looked over to the side. There was no toilet paper! "Oh no," he thought. He looked over again and saw a sign that said: If out of toilet paper use your thumb and ask the bartender for a "thumb wipe". He thought this was really gross but he had no choice. So he wiped himself with his thumb and went to the bartender. He was trying to hide his thumb with his other hand. "Bartender!" he said. "What can I do for you?" asked the bartender. "Um.. there was no toilet paper and I need a thumb wipe. "Oh," said the bartender. "Put your thumb on the bar." "On the bar?" The
bartender replied, "Yes, on the bar." So the man put his thumb on the bar and the bartender pulled out a hammer and slammed it hard on the guys thumb. The man's instant reaction was to put his thumb in his mouth.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.
The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who went to a camp for adults. The owner was showing him around, and said, "You're gonna love it here, especially the barrel behind the restrooms. When you feel the need, stick you're dick in the hole for a blowjob."
The next day, the guy saw the owner and said, "This place is great. I'm going to use that barrel every day."
The owner said, "Every day except Mondays."
"Why not on Mondays?"
The owner said, "That's your day in the barrel."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three international convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The French convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The Israeli convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Polish convict pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them was taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leaned over and whispered in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton paused, then grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaved her over the railing. She fell 10 feet to the top of the dugout, screaming obscenities.
The President shook the hands of those near him and got high fives all around.
The Secret Service agent leaned over again and whispered, "Mr. President, I said it's time to throw out the first pitch."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cowboy dudes were drinking in a bar & talking about sex.
The 1st cowboy says he likes to do it rodeo style.
The 2nd cowboy asks how do you do it rodeo style?
The 1st cowboy explains, "Get her in bed on all fours, doggie style & whisper in her ear, "Your sister likes it this way too." Then try to hold on for 8 seconds."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day an elephant is lying on the jungle floor with a thorn stuck in his foot.
An ant comes along and offers to take the thorn out of the felled elephants foot.
The ant proceeds to remove the thorn and the elephant then turns to the ant and says "How can I ever repay you ?" To which the ant replies "Well I've never screwed an elephant, let me fuck you and we'll call it quits ".
So the elephant turns round and the ant crawls up behind its tail and just as the ant enters the elephant a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head.
the elephant cries out and the ant shouts "That's right bitch take it all".
A man takes the day off work and decides to go play golf. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 3 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a "million-to-one" shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of chips come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the Frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful"..
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One evening after attending the theater two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with that woman."
To their surprise, the woman turned and said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend good- night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25 dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, "If you don't give me the other 25 I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when he was served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant.... He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows "Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defence was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned. This is what he said "Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones; sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgement not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer's comeback was like this.... "Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent, however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgement be granted."
She won.........
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicated that he was interested. She informed him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 PM. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!'
Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
|
