Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Definition of a Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

I'm so depressed ... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, Will !? What will ? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me," the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.


Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "I'll hear the oldest first." The case was closed for lack of evidence.


Q. Why don't women have any brains?
A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in


What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.


Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?


What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.


Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.


If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.


What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.


A bargain: something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.


Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?


If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.


Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.


Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swelling down.


How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
When she has to chew before she swallows.


Two guys in the pub one says to the other "My wife`s a dirty filthy slut".
The other guy says "why do you say that?"
The first guy replies, "Because she wont wash the dishes so I can piss in the sink".


What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.


Most people get AIDS from sex; but President Clinton gets sex from aides

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

It took the NSW Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate: 3M TA3
Can you tell why?
Answer: It spells out Eat Me in someone's rear view mirror.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

What do you get if you cross a Rotweiller with a Labrador?
A dog that scares the shit out of you then runs off with the bog roll.

If you choke a smurf, what color will it turn?

"Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!"

"Why is abbreviation such a long word?"

Said by a car mechanic--"Sorry, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Wise Sayings:

"The older you get, the better you get-unless you are a banana"

"Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else."

"Learn from your parent's mistakes. Use birth control."

"There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who can't."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

Sex Education

A new study on sexual behavior has determined that intercourse is performed by married couples most often in the "doggie" position.
 
The husband sits up and begs, and the wife rolls over and plays dead!